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An Analysis of Support vs. Culture in Gish Jen's "Asian Men Can Jump"

This analytical essay is grounded in the 2012 New York Times article "Asian Men Can Jump" by Gish Jen. It focuses on how parents' views of supporting their children and honoring their culture can impact children.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Iva's feedback:

"Your choice to compare two men with similar interests and culture but different outcomes is an effective way to analyze the relationship between support and culture. Though your argument that culture should not impede a parent's support for their child is clear throughout your essay, it initially comes across a little murky in your thesis statement. A large reason for it is that your thesis is fairly wordy; you could get your point across much more clearly if you shortened it and focused specifically on saying something about how culture is a valid part of people's lives but that it can be harmful when parents choose to prioritize staying faithful to their culture at the cost of supporting their child. The start of your conclusion does a great job of emphasizing that point and could be used as a guide for reshaping your thesis statement. The end of your conclusion does stray a little, though, as it introduces the idea of tone in the closing sentence even though you never mentioned it before; simply replacing the sentence with a final comment on the importance of support despite culture would fix that. As I mentioned, your essay successfully stays focused on comparing the childhoods of Jen's brother and of Jeremy Lin; however, it leaves open the question of what happened with Jen's brother. Adding information about his specific outcome and then comparing it to Lin's would further strengthen your argument. Finally, remember that when you quote in MLA, you should not have a comma at the end of the quotation (before the quotation mark and in-text citation). You can also just refer to the author by her last name after you first introduce her rather than alternating between writing her full name and her last name."

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