How "We Ate the Children Last" Critiques Influence and Consumption

Bridget's feedback:

"You raise interesting ethical and philosophical points in this essay, and I appreciated the chance to see two different storytelling forms in conversation with current events. My main comment is that frequent errors and imprecise diction make the discussion rather hard to follow. These issues include misplaced commas that break up thoughts, confusing the reader, (e.g., the first sentence of the second paragraph), and awkward or unclear diction, as in the claim that "the reading and the film use different target audiences...": this implies the audiences reading the story or viewing the film, but the discussion seems to be about the groups within the story. To fix this, make sure your word choice precisely delineates when you are commenting on the texts and when you are commenting on rhetoric and effect. (Also, unless "piggish" is used in Martel's story, this should probably be "pig.")

As you move forward, watch out for claims that remain incomplete on the page. For example, you mention the film's visuals at the end of para. 2 and in the conclusion, but there is otherwise no substantial analysis on the use of visuals; particularly if something appears in the conclusion, it should be explored in some detail in the body. Another part that isn't yet fully explored is the comparison to COVID incentives, including why "nudges" are as distasteful (last sentence of para. 3) as the extreme examples from the story and film. Especially because the texts are satirical, real-life comparisons should be explored with nuance and clarity. This can then set up your critique of leadership and decision-making in the final paragraphs, a discussion that is otherwise rather vague in its current form. Consider making more direct references to and parallels with the film and story in that second to last paragraph; this will help ground the discussion.

And as a quick final note, make sure to tidy up your in-text citations by checking against your MLA resource: you will only include Martel's last name, for example, and keep in mind there are unique guidelines for whether to include page numbers for digital sources."

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