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Television Is a Weapon of Mass Distraction

In this argumentative essay, the student argues that television can be a harmful distraction by focusing on people getting addicted to too much TV time, the masked discrimination in many TV storylines, and the manipulation of the news by political parties.
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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a C by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Crystal's feedback:

"I really love the play on words with "weapon of mass distraction"--very clever! However, the structure and organization of your paper doesn't support that position. Ideally, you should have a clear thesis statement with 2-3 supporting points. The order of body paragraphs should first present your arguments about TV being a distraction (and why that's problematic) and then introduce the counterargument (e.g., the benefits that television offers, followed by a rebuttal). Your current arrangement is very confusing/unfocused. Some areas also have very generalized statements (e.g., the sentence that starts with “With the advancement…”); using more specifics would improve such statements. I do like your use of questions to help drive the reader’s thinking, though. Additionally, while you have a clear conclusion, consider better synthesizing the info from your body paragraphs and using a better analogy (the knife one is awkward because it's completely out of the blue). Finally, make sure to watch for overusing commas, using contractions in formal writing assignments, and misusing semicolons, and be sure to properly cite your sources per the Harvard guide you’re following (e.g., with page numbers or parenthetical citations/author names)."

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