1. Home

How Technology Distracts Us from Real Life

Citing privacy concerns, potential health hazards, and distracted driving, this argumentative essay deems technology to have had a net negative impact on modern lives.
PAGES
4
WORDS
1,208
STAFF PICK
  Cite
View Full Essay
About this essay
This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley
Generating Preview...
This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bridget's feedback:

"You are off to a good start with this draft. Your structure facilitates the discussion, and each paragraph has a clear focus and movement from topic sentence to final sentence. The placement of the counterargument paragraphs is interesting; while I questioned it at first, I see the value of giving the last two paragraphs over to response and "saving" the distracted driving example for the end for impact.

Your use of quotations shows good awareness of the importance of integrating them into the flow of the writing. I notice a number of claims that should be accompanied by a parenthetical citation in the absence of a signal phrase (e.g., the claim regarding laptops and sperm count). I also find some gaps between the claim/evidence and the creation of urgency (persuasiveness). For example, at the end of para. 2, can you help your reader understand what is the value of privacy or what is the problem with not having privacy? A reader can fill it in, but it's a jump to claim "most of...society..." is afraid (last sentence of para. 2), which can leave the reader feeling like they missed something.

Finally, proofread to catch minor issues as well as typos that can have a major impact on clarity (as in the first sentence of your last paragraph, which states the opposite of the thesis)."

Learn more about this feedback