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Trevor Noah's Portrayal of His Fiercely Independent Mother, Patricia, in Born a Crime

This essay describes Patricia Noah, mother of Trevor Noah, as depicted in Trevor's memoir, Born a Crime. The student focuses on Patricia's fierce independence, stubbornness, and desire to belong.
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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

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This essay received a B by one of Kibin's paper graders. Click here to see what was done well and what needs improvement.

More essays like this:

Not sure what I'd do without @Kibin
- Alfredo Alvarez, student @ Miami University
Exactly what I needed.
- Jenna Kraig, student @ UCLA
Wow. Most helpful essay resource ever!
- Chris Stochs, student @ UC Berkeley

View other essays like this one:

Bob's feedback:

"Make sure your introduction tells your reader who Patricia Noah is and what, specifically, you are writing about. Unless your reader is already thoroughly familiar with her, they will be lost from the start. Your introduction could serve as a thesis statement, but it needs an introductory paragraph to lead up to it. In fact, the last sentence in your essay would make a good intro.

There is a lot of repetition in this essay and it often feels disorganized. This goes hand-in-hand with the fact that the paragraphs are particularly long. Take a look at your second paragraph and note how many times you you describe Patricia as being independent in one way or another. Rather than repeating this idea, you should be expanding on it and presenting examples. Consider breaking this paragraph up into three or four separate paragraphs, each with its own topic.

Writing conventions (grammar, sentence structure, etc.) are generally strong, but you may wish to avoid informal language. The term "mental gymnastics" is usually used in a condescending way, which makes your use of it suggest that you disapprove of her reasoning. If this is not the case, consider rewording this passage."

Learn more about this feedback